@SaraL137371 YES! It IS achievable. My boyfriend and I got through it. And I moved across the country to care for both of my parents. For about a decade we were very long distance (me in Phoenix, him in Baltimore). He stuck with me. I traveled east frequently for work and saw him when I did. He came out to AZ 2 – 3 times a year. He has been extremely supportive of my choice to care for my parents. He felt it was the right thing to do, and he couldn’t move as he was a Capain in the Fire Dept and needed to keep working, also he helped his older Mom.
It does take understanding and it does take shared values that what we are doing is important. I know there were times when he was unhappy and there was only so much of me to go around (always wished I could clone myself). But he never wavered in supporting what I was doing and being there for me when I was overwhelmed and exhausted. He did his best to get me away for a trip every year.
I would say quality time was the key to our success – and text messaging! 🙂 He actually guest wrote a column for me in my AARP column – perhaps you’d like to read about it from his perspective. I can’t seem to find the post online anymore, it was from 2014, but here is the text of it:
It’s Not Easy Being in a Relationship with a Caregiver
2-11-14
Editor’s note: We asked Bill Carter, the long-time companion of AARP’s Caregiving Expert and blogger, Amy Goyer, to write about being in a long-distance relationship with a full-time caregiver.
My relationship with Amy began seven years ago. At the time she was a busy professional working in Washington, DC and her parents were enjoying their retirement in Phoenix. Our relationship was somewhat long distance from the beginning since I live in northern Maryland. However, we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company and made it work. We lived close enough that we could make spontaneous plans.
I’ll never forget the day that changed Amy’s life and our relationship. We were in New Orleans for a rare vacation enjoying Jazz Fest. Amy got a call that drastically changed her work situation, and then I took a call from Amy’s sister who said her mom was ill and hospitalized. At that time there was also increasing concern about her dad’s cognitive abilities. Amy soon left for Arizona to help her parents, which quickly turned into her living in Arizona full time. For the past five years we see each other when Amy comes to DC for her work or I go to Arizona. It does make things difficult to say the least.
Amy jumped into caring for her parents with both feet while continuing to work full time. She takes great pride in her work and truly does her best to help other caregivers. This means that most of the time when I talk to Amy on the phone she is in her car going to or from her office, running errands or in the middle of caring for her parents. Our conversations are short and the distractions are numerous.
I travel to Arizona several times a year. The daily household activities in the Arizona home are frequently overwhelming for me. I never realized how little time there is for anything when you are a caregiver. Amy’s parents are wonderful, engaging people, but they have needed assistance for every basic need. I frequently worry about the tremendous stress and strain on Amy as she tries to balance every aspect of her life.
Sadly, Amy’s mother, Patricia, passed on in October. I wondered if this would lighten Amy’s burden but it really seems to have added a new difficult dimension to her frenetic daily life. Her mother, Patricia, had many physical disabilities and had difficulty communicating from a stroke years ago, but she was Amy’s rock. Now grieving affects our relationship, and in addition, her Dad, Robert, who suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease, has had a downhill slide without his beloved wife.
I try to support Amy, as she has so much to juggle. When I visit her in Arizona, I spend a great deal of time fixing things around the house and helping out in the yard or taking walks with her Dad. We do our best to spend quality time together, since quantity just isn’t an option for us. We take at least one vacation together every year, and take shorter weekend trips or I travel with her when she goes on business trips. Texting has been a big help for us to stay in touch more regularly and we sometimes Skype.
The important thing is that we share the same values. I help my mother in Maryland also, and I support Amy’s choice to care for her parents when they need her the most. So, Amy and I stay together and I can’t imagine life without her. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ll soon be traveling to Arizona again to try to carve out some quality time with my busy caregiver.
Amy Goyer is AARP’s Family, Caregiving & Multigenerational Issues Expert; she splits her time between Washington, D.C. and Phoenix, Ariz. where she is caregiving for her Dad who lives with her. She is the author of AARP’s Juggling Work and Caregiving. Follow Amy on Twitter @amygoyer and on Facebook.
