Yet it’s connection we all want, and this Christmas is a perfect opportunity to work out how to get it. From a festive Zoom quiz or a walk with a friend to standing outside an elderly parent’s house raising a toast through the window, we can make this Christmas stand out in a good way. We can have multiple get-togethers on Houseparty – we just need to get organised enough to schedule these events into our diaries, as we normally would.
In many ways this can be seen as a once-in-a-lifetime chance to restructure Christmas in a way we might have liked it to be anyway, it’s just that we’ve never dared suggest it.
This year, we can go back to basics. We can think about what Christmas really means. For me, it’s about atmosphere – so get the tree early, put on Christmas songs, spray fake snow everywhere and dust down the fairy lights. Tell festive stories, recite The Night Before Christmas and get the children to hang their stockings.
The key is to be adaptable. What I’ve found within myself and my clients is that adaptability is the best way to survive. It’s about accepting the fact that things aren’t going to be the same, and looking for positive ways to make it more enjoyable. Christmas is a fun and playful time – so make time to indulge in family games.
However, in order to mitigate the effects of a trimmed-down Christmas, it’s worth doing some planning in advance. Set out with family and friends how the day might work. Splash out on the things you really appreciate: an exquisite bottle of wine, champagne, a fine cheese board. Make the day special in whatever way you wish to – watch movies all day if you want. Light candles, go for a long walk, play endless games, sing carols. It’s a time to think outside the box. No one will judge you on your table settings and whether or not your crackers are designer.
One of the most tricky areas is how to manage expectations around socialising, especially for teenagers. As a mother of teens, I can attest to how difficult they’re finding it. For them, Christmas isn’t just about family. It’s about parties and fun and meeting up. None of which can happen right now. My teenagers veer between wanting to have endless duvet days and then chomping at the bit when they’re told they really can’t go anywhere.
But maybe this gives us a golden opportunity to rediscover a close family Christmas where we all have to hunker down together. Often, the best way of being together involves being utterly in the moment and letting everything slow down. Nothing needs to be big or expensive.
In terms of extended family, things get more difficult. My mother is 86. She is definitely worried about what she can do and who she can see. Like many people, I’m deeply conflicted about whether or not to join up with other households, even if we’re allowed. How might we decide to see one member of our extended family and not another, for example? This is a tricky decision and it risks family rifts. The best thing to do is to be honest and talk to everyone in a way that is as open as possible.
Much of your thinking will come down to geographical proximity and also to each individual household’s needs and expectations. Some people are risk-averse. They may choose to keep Christmas totally to their household members and feel very anxious and nervous about extending contact beyond that bubble. Others are happier to mingle more freely. It’s an individual decision – but it is important to feel you have the right to make that decision, so you can push back against anyone who tries to rope you into celebrating in a way that might feel anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable. Be honest but firm. It’s a chance to practise setting boundaries (many of us struggle with this) and to manage others’ expectations. It’s very freeing to be able to blame Covid as an unarguable excuse for doing things your own way. Few will quibble: we are talking about life and death. And if that doesn’t free us up to do Christmas in the way we want it, then nothing ever will.
On the upside, I have some clients who are happy at the prospect of a more solitary festive season. They say they feel relieved that they don’t have to play the game called ‘Christmas’. For others, the enforced intimacy of being locked down has brought up many issues. For some it has felt unremittingly difficult; boring and tense. We don’t know how to amuse ourselves. We don’t know how to relate. We don’t know how to gather in a small group around a table and enjoy it. We don’t know how to sit and feel our emotions. I have endless clients who tell me all the elaborate ploys they have found to avoid feeling anything. Many keep themselves very busy, or they worry 24/7, or are relentlessly sociable, or always arguing with their children. Then, once a year, they hide behind a typical Christmas with its glitter and baubles as a great technique to never reveal the painful ache inside.
This is not the Christmas to do this. This Christmas we can try, for once, to connect in whatever way possible. Connect with your children, your friends and with this unexpected opportunity to be allowed to not do very much. Then be aware of the lost and the lonely among us and try to connect, in whatever way possible, with them. This is how Covid Christmas could be the best Christmas ever.
How to make this Christmas memorable
Be as imaginative as possible: Hold a family Christmas party in your house. Dress up. Play games. Do a treasure hunt in the garden or a wood or at home. It is perfectly possible to make this Christmas magical and memorable even without the endless expense of Winter Wonderland.
Ring the changes: This is the ideal opportunity to do Christmas your way. With no extended family to please, have a small, intimate Christmas in a way you haven’t experienced before. It is perfectly possible to incorporate relatives via online get-togethers, but then make sure you have time for yourself/your partner/your family.
Involve everyone: The extravagance of Christmas will have to be reined in by many this year. Give older children a realistic budget and ask them to come up with presents in that price range. Think about people who might like a visit, even if it means standing outside their window. Tell everyone your plans – explain that these are non-negotiable.
Go somewhere: If there aren’t restrictions on travel (within reason), why not do Christmas outdoors? If the weather is mild, take a Christmas picnic somewhere. Turkey sandwiches, pigs in blankets and a bottle of fizz can work wonders. Sit on a park bench and chat. Wave to other people. It is possible to enjoy seeing people, just not in the way we used to.
Forget the food: No one cares about the food, really. It’s all about the company we are keeping and how nurturing that might feel. So take off the apron, put down the utensils and concentrate on the people you love.
