Horror films and queer culture have always gone hand in hand. You only have to watch Courteney Cox in a neon yellow skirt, emasculating every man she meets, as Gale Weathers in the Scream franchise to get an understanding as to why: the genre is packed full with strong women, camp icons and glamorous (and/or homicidal) girlies.
But horror’s big boobed blondes and powerful witchy women aside, there’s another category of woman also adored by gays: the Huns. How do we define a hun? A hun is the set menu in All Bar One; she is the whisper on the wind telling you to order a pitcher of Pornstar Martini to yourself. She’s the first on the dancefloor at a family wedding. She can be a mumsy hun who watches all the soaps, or she can be a Real Housewives of Cheshire-esque diva. But most importantly… a hun is just innately a hun. You’ll know her when you see her, and she’ll usually be smoking a B&H Gold.
So to bring these two pillars of queer adoration together, I ranked my favourite huns according to how long they’d last in a horror film. Who would cope against the usual fare of zombies, knife-wielders and vengeful spirits of Victorian-era children? And who would be toast ten minutes in? Come on, have a laugh, we’re in lockdown for god’s sake.
15 – The Honest Vocal Coach
It’s not looking good for “The Grandma of Stan Twitter.” As nice as it would be to give the internet’s favourite Yorkshire singing teacher the final girl treatment, if you can’t fend off an army of Arianators coming for you online because you said Miley Cyrus has better vocal control, how do you intend to fend off a horde of undead?
Just bear in mind: Drew Barrymore went first in Scream and it worked out alright for her.
Second to go!? But she’s B List at Capital!
Every gay’s favourite member of Steps has Jason Voorhees-bait written all over her. She’s full of heart and niceness, but that doesn’t bode well for her in this genre. H and Claire’s cutthroat antics would have Lisa left at the hands of the Friday the 13th villain within the first 20 minutes.
“Nah, it’s shit that, guys.”
The Hun of all Huns would be a shock exit early on – a little cameo to get everyone excited, only for her to make a quick departure.
How on earth would ITV’s resident ‘Diva On Lockdown’ survive a Saw film? She hates playing games! She’s not doing the task, sorry Jigsaw, she’s not doing it.
“All for a few extra years of living, who’s bothered about that?”
Not a soul can deny X Factor’s most iconic auditionee has determination, drive and confidence, three skills that do very well for you in a horror films. But Holly’s unfortunately lacking any special skills to fight anything off.
The only weapon she’s got is her infamous “cave mouth”, and that’s not really going to cut it against Pennywise The Clown. It’s four no’s, Holly, but thanks for coming down.
Picture the scene: Wendy is running down a dark hotel corridor from an unidentified threat, as she frantically knocks on each room. But no one lets her in to safety. Why? Because no one opens the door… for a native New Yorker!
The HBIC would be an absolute trooper amidst the terror. Brave, funny, independent: she’s scaring off the ghosts with her sharp comebacks!
Her downfall comes fighting with the other survivors. Would sadly be pounced on while storming off angrily to give Gemma Collins her shoes back.
The most conniving woman in charity is a clever one. A master manipulator, bending everyone around her to get her own way, Sue Tuke is a smiling assassin.
Survives this long by chucking charity shop staff members Vera, Kersh and Vicky to the zombies in order to save her own life, but traitors always get their comeuppance. She might be manager, but with no one left to manage she ain’t lasting long.
Alright. Cards on the table. Not a chance in hell that the clumsiest woman on daytime TV would last longer than ten minutes in a horror film, realistically.
But she’s too likeable to get rid of before at LEAST the final showdown. No producer in their right mind is writing out Alison Hammond anytime soon!
7 – The Cock Destroyers
Say what you want about Sophie Anderson and Rebecca More, but they’ve spent the last two years showing the world that if there’s one thing they have that’s undeniable, it’s staying power.
These two have done it all in their videos, nothing’s off the cards, and that kind of tolerance and commitment would fare very well for them as they journey their way through blood and guts.
Eventually get caught out trying to despunk the balls of a ghost.
Murderous clown: approaches the Queen of Clean
Kim Woodburn: DON’T start with me. Don’t do it. Because I won’t take it. You gang handed, chicken livered shit.
Murderous clown: turns round, gives up, goes home
Just watch her annihilation of Coolio on Celebrity Big Brother to see how the Meryl Streep of Liverpool would do against any supernatural force.
“NO FUCKIN GHOST WILL EVER TELL ME TO SHUSH!”
4 – Jo ‘Supernanny’ Frost
She’d tell Michael Myers his murders were “unasseptable”, send him to the naughty step and that would just be the end of that.
Right. Hear me out.
It is an annual Halloween tradition of mine to rewatch the iconic TV special “Ghost Hunting With Girls Aloud”, and if it isn’t an annual tradition of yours, I’d suggest you make it one.
Whilst Yvette Fielding dragged them round castles and abandoned hospitals, it was only Cheryl who attacked it without fear, shouted Geordie slang at medieval ghosts and came out unscathed. The final girl we deserve.
2 – Leanne Cheung off Airline
Scouse queen Leanne Cheung deserved a damehood for the way she handled every Karen and Gammon of the 00s at the Liverpool Airport check in desk: that woman is prepared for anything now after what she dealt with. She would emerge from the most violent of flicks with nothing but a scratch. She flies above it all.
She was held at gunpoint with Junior and Princess in South Africa! Her German Shepherd got killed on her driveway! Her horse got killed outside her house on the dual carriageway! Harvey had a kidnap threat! Then she caught her husband cheating again! The infamous year of unfortunate events that befell the Pricey all came on top of her surviving marriages to Peter Andre and Alex Reid, and then seemingly breaking every bone in her body on her fully vlogged 2020 holiday to Turkey.
This woman is indestructible! No monster would even bother. Plus, that viral picture of the shaved-down, veneer-ready remnants of her teeth could frighten off any attacking ghoul. All hail Katie Price: the only queen coming back for a sequel.
